I would love to fuck a rockstar.

Beackstage, on stage, in a van, under the tour bus, behind the scenes, in front of families and kids, beneath a tree, in an abandoned valley…

It wouldn’t matter where and when and how. I would do it, so would you (think about it one more time -- if you have to -- before you call me a slut). Of course, it would be great if I could just pick the one I wanted. And I’d like it to last more than eight seconds. Most of all, I would hope that their body odor – or whatever they like to put on it, if they bother to – is a pleasant smell.

It’s pretty easy to stalk down the main interests of your favorite celebrity: Ville Valo used to work at his father’s sex shop, Mat Devine has an irrational fear of shark attacks, Kurt Cobain loved Kraft’s Mac & Cheese, and Gerard Way used to stalk down Christina Ricci when he found out she lived nearby.

I’m obsessive-compulsive, it’s true, yet I’m after something that doesn’t give you any results on Google: what these people smell like. What brand of cologne do they wear? Do they even use deodorant? Dove or Pantene or something else while singing in the shower? Do they even have at least a cheap bar of soap sitting by their bathtub?

Whenever I read interviews and see that someone asked a band member what their favorite smell is, I am psyched. The excitement doesn’t last very long though since most of the answers are very similar: “the smell of dirty rock bars,” or “the smell right after the rain,” or “the smell of my mother’s home-baked cookies.” To be honest, “You know that guitarist from so-and-so band,” I expect them to say, “he smells awesome!”

That I’ve never come across (if you have, please, please point me in that direction). Therefore, I rely on my fan girl ways, hiding from security guards behind the shady backdoors of venues, waiting until 4am for the band to come out. Then, the regular deal: will you sign this, please? Can we take a picture, please? Can I have a hug, please? And, if they don’t run away and say yes, I turn my smell radar on: I sniff and sniff as deep as I can.

Bert McCracken smelled like butt sex and stage sweat the first time I met him. Why butt sex? Probably because I was caught in the “Bert and Gerard are totally doing it” wave, and he was wearing a shirt that said, “Butt sex is itchy.” I was, somehow, expecting a smell of cigarettes and alcohol to be there, but that wasn’t until I met him the second time: it was his birthday, and he was walking around sipping vodka from the bottle. I tried to get my nose closer to his hair, trying to figure out if it was as dirty as it looked, but vodka took over everything. On the other hand, their drummer Branden probably uses up a perfume bottle per night since he smells oh-so-good, and it tickles your nose from across the room.

I was way too excited to even breathe when I met Ville Valo of HIM. He had changed his shirt and put on a clean jacket after the show, therefore I remember his smell being a mixture of clean laundry and Marlboro Lights. Next time you do a load, press your cheek against your clothes, light a cigarette, and you’ll know what I mean when you feel the heat. For someone who was dripping with sweat ten minutes prior, he smelled very clean and fresh and deserves even more fan girl points.

I will keep doing this for as long as I can, even if I probably won’t get to share the results with others. It’s worth it for even to just look back at it one day and have a good laugh. But, most of all, this whole sniffing experience proves to me that my heroes, these people that I admire are actually real. Everyone has their own way of doing a “reality check,” and this one is mine. Go ahead and try it if you want to. Nevertheless, take my advice and make sure you sniff the person you’re going to get in bed with.