Dear Oderus,
Rock God Oderus Urungus of Gwar contributes the first part in his series of advice columns, exclusively for Anarchy Music!
Oderus Urungus of Gwar is a saint. He has spent much of his time on Earth helping those in need, when not butchering politicians and useless celebrities onstage in front thousands of screaming fans, that is. He cares so much about the starving people in Africa that he introduced AIDS into the populace to help lessen the number of people needing food. Now, he goes a step beyond that, as the great and mighty warrior has signed on with Anarchy Music to give lonely and lost souls some much needed advice. Love, career, family, friends... no situation is outside the realm of subjects that Oderus has contemplated upon and can help you through. Of course, if you have an issue in your life that could use the intelligent and caring advice from a god among men, just send an email to anarchy@anarchymusic.net with "Dear Oderus" in the subject line.
I've been with the same girl since high school. We are in college now and love each other very much. The problem is that over the years things have become routine and boring in bed. What would you suggest I do to spice things up in our sex lives?
Legolas
Oderus: I would introduce some kind of animal lover into the mix. A dog, perhaps. A dead dog. Force your girlfriend to have sex with a dead dog and she will appreciate you a lot more. I am a big fan of dead dogs. I actually have one on tour with me that I mount every night in front of all these people, Unfortunately I just found out that my dog is gay. I have a dead, gay dog for a girlfriend. I would even be willing to lend him my dead dog, if that's what it's going to take to get a little more spice into his relationship. It's got a heavy coat of lacquer on it, so it's not in danger of rotting any time soon. Though I have left the fuck-hole pretty much wide open. Yeah, sleep with a dead dog, molest it and keep that dog in there. Take it out to dinner. I think things will be wonderful.
I've tried for 9 years to get along with my stepson. He's now 15 years old and he is mean, he lies and getting him to do chores is impossible. I can't stand him and it's had a huge impact on my relationship with my husband. Should I wait it out and hope that he moves out when he turns 18 or what?
NucknFuts
Oderus: Well, you have many choices, but I would say that you could wait it out. In another couple of years the kid's going to be out of the house anyway and you can enjoy your relationship with your husband. Or, you can take an ax and bury it in the child's forehead, bury him in the backyard in a shallow grave and basically use him as fertilizer in the garden. So either wait three years or kill him right now.
I'm a huge wrestling fan. Chris Benoit was a huge role model and hero for me. After he murdered his wife and son and then took his own life, I have watched the news coverage nonstop and become obsessed with the case. How can I move past this and what is your opinion of anabolic steroids?
Al in SC
Oderus: Well, I've never really needed steroids, being a super-powered rock god from space. I can lift the Empire State Building with one toenail. I'm such a fucking stud that I've never felt the need or desire to pump my body with chemicals to increase my strength, though I do it anyway. As far as Chris Benoit goes, if you're a wrestling fan then you're a loser to begin with. It's the most asinine sport there is, right up there with Nascar. I would advise this person to shoot anabolic steroids into his penis until it becomes the size of a Spanish cocktail nut and falls off.
A co-worker of mine broke up with his fiancee'. We went out a couple of times and had sex once. I later found out that he never broke up with her and they are now married. How do you deal with the fact that there is someone in the workplace that you now despise and is a lying sack of shit.
The Poegrl
Oderus: Do you have any photographs or evidence of the sexual liaison? Even if there is no proof, I'm sure that you can come up with all kinds of embarrassing details that could only be corroborated by someone who has actually seen his penis before. I would recommend sending anonymous emails telling this woman that you fucked his husband and generally destroying his life. You spend a lot of time at work. You should be happy when you're at work. This guy is probably doing someone else in the office now. It's time to chop him off at the kneecaps. Bust his ass! Call her up! Start sending text messages! Ruin his life!
Last year one of my best friends and I became a thing, ya know? And it went on half the school year and all summer until he moved away. Well, we fell for each other bigtime. He wants to be with me now, but the problem is.. I have a boyfriend who I've been with for almost 4 years off and on. He's great. He treats me well..and he's been making plans for marraige and all that. (we're 16 btw). But this other guy is 19. He's amazing..I love him so much. He makes me feel so special. And I want to be with him. I need to be with him. But how do I tell my boyfriend? He's in love with me. I just dont know what to do.
Anonymous
Oderus: Say "I met someone else, he's way cooler than you, better looking, I don't like you anymore, this relationship is history". Then knee him in the groin. He should get the message. Pile it on! If you're going to hurt his feelings, you might as well hurt him physically as well. It'll cause less confusion down the line. If you just break up with him, he's going to think that he's still got a chance of getting in there at some point. if you actually drive your booted foot into his genitals, he will probably get the idea a little more clearly.
Gwar's latest album, 'Beyond Hell' is in stores now! Go to Gwar.net and Gwar's Myspace page for more info. Check back here at Anarchy next month for the second installment of Dear Oderus!