Dear Oderus,
Oderus Urungus of Gwar continues his series of advice columns, exclusively for Anarchy Music!
Times of strife call for a voice of reason...which is why Oderus Urungus of Gwar is reaching out to those in need to offer his advice on all subjects. Welcome to Part 2 of the best damn advice column on earth!
Before I settle down with one girl I've decided to get all of my fantasies out of the way. In the past few months I've hooked up with several women of different races, an old woman, an amputee, an grossly obese woman, etc. My friends are starting to think that I'm a little weird, but isn't it better to take care of this stuff now instead of after I settle down?
L. Tron
Oderus: I would say definitely. There is nothing weird about you, but I would continue to do it after I settle down as well. In fact I would marry an amputee. It sounds more exciting. When you don't have a fist you can really get your forearms up things, really far. Continue your strange exploration into this bizarre sex life that your have, carry it on into your marriage and continue to enjoy having sex with midgets and amputees.
I'm one of those kids that gets picked on in high school. I'm also not popular with girls. Is there anything I can do to change the way people view me and have that cool rock star image like you do?
Anonymous
Oderus: With your friends, stockpile a large horde of weapons, then go on a Columbine-esgue killing spree, taking out half the high school. Then, the girl that you like, rape her. You can either do that, or start a rock n roll band. You have no idea how many geeks start a rock n roll band and actually become halfway intersting human beings and get the girls. Look at all those rock n rollers, they are UGLY. Not me of course, I'm a living god. Once you start playing that guitar and beating on those skins and doing the Battle Of The Bands, you will get your dick sucked. I would have to say either a Columbine style massacre, or start a band.
My boyfriend is in the Marines and was sent to Iraq. Shortly afterwards I got pregnant by another man. I don't want to lose him, so should I tell him that it's his child and just pretend it's his?
Anonymous
Oderus: Absolutely not. That is the worst, stupidest idea I've ever heard. The truth will out, as they say. The guilt will always be there and he might also notice the fact that the child looks nothing like him whatsoever. What I would do is abort the fetus and send it to him. He could tie it to his helmet or something like some kind of war trophy.
I like someone and we can talk about anything, but whenever I bring up dating he shuts down. He has told me that he sees me as more than a friend, but lately we haven't done anything at all together. Am I missing something or is there something I can do to convince him to ask me out?
Confused
Oderus: Offer to suck his cock, suck his balls and finger his butthole, then mount him rudely and fuck the shit out of him. That might get him interested.
I have a really hot teacher. She's young and has a sweet body. The problem is that I'm a sophomore. I'm totally up for hooking up with her and I don't really care if she ended up getting in trouble for it if someone finds out. What if I'm wrong and I hit on her and she's not interested? How should I approach her?
Hot For Teacher
Oderus: Hmm, this is where rape becomes an option. Get it done and force her to have sex with you. Make sure though that you fuck her so good that she doen't press charges. Do a good job and you might as well make her to give you good grades as well, or you'll tell everybody. Rape, good grades, cheat on the SAT's, I don't know, maybe even marry the woman at some point. I definitely supporting students having sex with their teachers. Sex is one of the most important things to learn about and it doesn't make any sense to me that they don't teach much about sex to these children. They should not only be teaching them about sex, but they should also be having sex with these children.
Gwar is currently supporting thier latest album 'Beyond Hell', and will be joining the Viva La Bands tour with Cradle Of Filth, CKY, Vains Of Jenna and Viking Skull.
For those of you who missed the first installment of Dear Oderus, CLICK HERE and feel free to send your questions to anarchy@anarchymusic.net with "Dear Oderus" in the subject line so your life can also be improved by a true rock god.