Dear Oderus,
A special double-sized advice column from Gwar's leader, and your God!
**Guest starring Balsac The Jaws Of Death and Vains Of Jenna!**
This month we're getting help from Vains Of Jenna, my buddies from Sweden on the Viva La Bands tour. This is going to be on the web, the inter-web, the compunet or whatever they call it. Also, Balsac The Jaws of Death is here helping me.
Dear Oderus,
I recently had sex with a girl on our first date. She then says to me "Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" What am I to say to this?
-Turk
Oderus: First of all, no, absolutely not. No. That's all there is to that one. But, one question I'll add in. He says he had sex with a girl and she asks if they're boyfriend and girlfriend, does that mean that he is still having sex with her, like right now? He's waiting for us?
Balsac: I think you should say no, they're not boyfriend and girlfriend now, she is now his property.
Oderus: Yeah, he owns her now. She is basically cattle, a piece of meat. He's the boss and if she doesn't shut the fuck up, he's going to hit her.
Balsac: It's a custom in Sweden that we learned from our friends in Vains Of Jenna. Once you sleep with a woman, she belongs to you forever.
Oderus: Let me tell you something about Sweden. Everyone wonders why there's so many hot women in Sweden, right? It's because the Vikings killed all the ugly bitches. It's true, and that's what's going to start happening here if dumb bitches like yours doesn't shut the fuck up. There's going to be concentration camps that ugly chicks are shipped to where they basically bake pies until they die. That's what's going to happen, so make sure your property bitch reads this.
dear oderus...
my boyfriend spends too much time playing World ofWarcraft. I hate this game and would rather to spendthe time having hot, dirty sex. I can't even get himto look at me when i stick other household objectsinside of me. All i want is his household object inme... What should i do?
non-elven tits
Balsac: You could dress up like a troll, I'd think.
Oderus: Yeah, try dressing like a troll. Maybe if you had a magic amulet that he wanted and you had it hidden somewhere in your body. If he felt like sticking his dick in your vagina..
Lizzy DeVine: Vagene
Oderus: Vagene, thank you for the Swedish pronunciation there, then maybe if he felt it would help his Warcraft character then he would have sex with you. But, that's not going to work because this dude's a loser. Also, you're a loser for being his girlfriend. You're even worse than he is. Can you believe that? Every time you look at him play that stupid game and you think he sucks, you know what sucks even worse than him? You. Because you're standing there looking at him playing this game and not doing anything about it. This is what you do to deal with this situation. Does he ever leave the house to go to work? If he doesn't leave the house then I guess he leaves to go to the bathroom. When he goes to do that, take a cup of piss and pour the piss into his hard drive through the front of his computer. Destroy his entire computer by pouring liquid inside of it. Then leave him.
Balsac: Don't forget to knee him in the groin.
Oderus: Yes, on the way out knee him in the groin, so he knows it's truly over. Fuck his computer up and kick him in the nuts. He won't be able to play the game, and it doesn't sound like has any balls to begin with, so this will work out okay. She signs it "non elven tits" so obviously you're not going to want to dress up like a troll.
Dear Oderus,
I've been a fan of the band for YEARS now, but I have just experinced the Live show not to long ago and want to see ya guys more! But my parents won't let me. I've been trying to talk my friends into having their parents take me, but I'm really the only one that likes GWAR. So how could i see you guys more often? and Is there anyway i could meet BälSäc? Hes a true guitar god.
Balsac: What's the name?
Oderus: No name. Her parents don't want her to go see Gwar.
Balsac: Are you sure it's a her?
Oderus: No gender
Balsac: Well, they're not going to get to meet me if it's a guy unless he gets a sex change.
Oderus: The main problem here is that the parents won't let them go see Gwar, so therefore the parents have to die. You have to kill your parents. Kill them.
Dear Oderus
I got a problem. I'm in my early 30's, happily married with a couple kids.
Oderus: That is a problem.
For the last few months I've been flirting with this hottie 20 year old chick at work. Things have heated up and she wants to fire my dick up her ass, among other deliciously sinful things. I love my wife, and get to fire my dick up her ass all the time. What should I do ?? What you do, Oderus ??
Dick Slave
Oderus: That's it, "what you do Oderus?" Ha Ha Ha Ha! First of all, get a grip of the English language. Second of all, see if your wife is into the idea of having group sex with this woman. If she's not, kill your wife and have ass sex with this woman.
Dear Oderus,
My girlfriend and I recently had a threesome with another female friend. She lets me play video games whenever I want, and will make me sandwiches even if I don't ask. It's like she knows I want a sandwich. Also, last week she gave me $20 for no reason. What the hell am I doing right?
Dan
Oderus: Don't ask stupid questions.
Balsac: Just enjoy the sandwich.
Oderus: Just enjoy it while it lasts. You'll fuck up pretty soon. Goddamn, way to go! Can I get the chicks number? Good job, son.
Dear Oderus,
My 21 year old son got dumped by a girl when he told the gold diggingbitch he wasn't going to spend a ton of money on her on dates. Isuggested he bone her best friend (her sister is underage so I toldhim to not commit a felony). He rejected my suggestion, saying it tooharsh. I told him he needs to get back at her and this is the best way to getover her and get revenge. What is your suggestion.
Also do you still dismember Paris in your shows? Would love to see that.
Oderus: Wow, you're a really fucked up person, aren't you? You're a big Gwar fan too. In fact, it's probably because of us that you're like this. I applaud your vindictive, vengeful nature. My suggestion? It just seems like every one this time I've been telling them to kill people. I'm going to give this one to Balsac. I can't think of anything. How would Balsac handle this situation?
Balsac: You're the parent, force your child to have sex with this girl's friend. That's what parents do, they make children do things they don't want to do.
Oderus: Thank you Balsac. Now, Balsac is a parent, so I couldn't have come up with that one. Yeah, you wear the pants in this family, make your child have sex. Make him have sex with you! Tell him this: "If you don't fuck this bitch, I'm going to make you fuck me. I'm going to rape you, son".
Oh, Paris Hilton, no. We raped the fuck out of her to the point where her molecules don't stick together any more.
what do i do with my life?im 17 and fail all my classes and i have a shitty fast food job and im a really good thinker but i have horrible grades. what do you think i should do in the future?
Oderus: I'm going to give this one to Vains Of Jenna. This is all you guys. This is your chance to reach out.
Lizzy DeVine: Start doing blow, it makes life a lot more fun.
Oderus: Good answer! This is from our friends from Sweden, Vains Of Jenna. Just do some fucking blow. If you don't have any clue what to do with your life then you're obviously a completely retarded individual anyway.
Balsac: If you're a good thinker it will take care of that. You won't have that problem any more.
Oderus: If you don't want to take Lizzy's advice and do blow, start doing heroin.
Dear Oderus,
my problem si that I simply love every pretty woman. I mean I reallyand genuinely fall in love with them so it ends up in bed very often.I would like to have family in the future but where can I find onewoman that could love me truly with my handicap?thanx
Oderus: If what you mean by "handicap" is that you fall in love with every pretty woman that you see, then I suggest that you move to a place where there is nothing but ugly bitches.
Nikki Kinn: Stay away from Sweden
Oderus: Don't go to Sweden. You'll be in love so much that you wont even have time to masturbate. Move to inland Australia where there are nothing but Aborigines. Start hanging out with an Aborigine ugly ass bitch with huge plates in her lips, where you actually eat your dinner out of her bottom lip. I'm not even going to answer this question except to say that you suck. You think you're in love, but you're not. This is bullshit. Your whole idea about women and being pretty. In fact, you should go somewhere where no one else is. You should come to Antarctica, where we are. You'll die out there on the ice. Even that would be too good for you. I loathe you. Never write to this column again.
Dear Oderus,
I have this problem. I am in a metal band, virion.
Oderus: First of all, what a stupid name! Virion? What the fuck does that mean? Is that like virility and iron? Are you saying "I've got a hard on"? If so, why don't you just call it Hardon? Is it because your dick is so limp that it won't get hard? Is that why? Okay, moving on to the second sentence...
The other members (especially matt and riaz)
Oderus: Tell Riaz to move back to Sao Paulo and get in a Samba band, because people named Riaz are not in metal bands, unless they're in a band called Virion, which sucks. I can see that then. Matt? Matt's a loser, and he fucked your girlfriend so throw him out of the band.
keep sneaking off for wanks during our practises.
Balsac: Together?
Oderus: Why is that surprising when your music is so bad that it's actually more enjoyable for band-members to go to the bathroom together to masturbate each other during practices?
I always say to them "yo guys, we need to get "memoires of an averse hero" learnt so we can put it on the demo",
First of all, "averse" is not a word! I think you meant to say "adverse". I hope you just typed it wrong. This is retarded. You also spelled memoirs wrong! If you can't write, talk! You fucking idiot! What the fuck? Are you a fan of ours? I hope not. If so, make sure you and all of your friends are in a room with a car that's running, for a long time. I'm ashamed of you. Alright, to the rest of the letter...
they say "yeah, i just need another few strokes and then we can get on it",
Oderus: This is while your band-mates are masturbating each other!
and short of doing it myself extra quickly to save time, i dont know how they can curb their habit. I dont think we will ever get anywhere at this rate.How can i sort this out?
Oderus: What you're telling me is that your band-mates would rather beat off than practice and you're telling me that you could masturbate them more quickly and get them back to practice And you're asking me what you should do? I think you're doing everything right! I think your band is going to be great. Tell them to keep jacking it, whacking it, smacking it, sucking and fucking it. That's what metal is based on, wrist action. Fucking tell them to jack off all day. And get in there and give 'em a few pumps! Come on! No advice, just thumbs up.
Last question. This has been the best advice column yet. Thanks to Vains Of Jenna and Balsac. If this column is taking off, I want to take this moment to thank all of my readers. I didn't know when I started working on this column that so many of our fans can read. I'm amazed. One thing that I heard about this advice column is that they downloaded it on the Mir International Space Station. They haven't sent in a question yet, but apparently we are on Mir. Hello Mir! I just wanted to shout out to our cosmonauts.
Dear Oderus,
My brother just got married the biggest bitch ever. She basically tries to control everything he does.
Oderus: I can see where this is going already
We used to be best friends before he moved in with her, and now she says he doesn't have time to see me anymore. he still sneeks off
Oderus: God, these people can't spell. You guys have got to be a little bit better about this spelling. I know that in the text messaging and instant messaging age, it's very cool to write "R U OK?" or whatever. That's cool for expediancy, but it's not cool to not know how to spell. Learn how to spell, or don't write the fucking column. These things have return addresses and I will find where you live and come fuck your dog to death right in front of you. You will be fucking begging me to stop and I won't. I'll make you lick my dick shaft as it's disappearing into your dogs ass. That's what I'll do, unless you learn how to fucking spell! Don't fucking send me any more misspellings, ever, OR IT'S DOG DICK-LICKING TIME!
he still sneeks off for our daily game of drink n smoke, but tats the only time i ever get to see him.
Oderus: Drink n smoke? Okay, you're pissing me off, dude. "tats"? He tattoos you every time you see him? I think you meant "that's". Damn, I hope you have a dog.
I even offered him a free Sounds of the Underground Ticket just so he could go with me, and his wife said he can't go because she can't go, and she doesn't like any of the bands. (I'm still going by the way) But fuck, when i get him drunk and stoned enough he even admits she holds him back, but she pays for everything he has. how do i break it to him?
- Ol Boy
Oderus: Okay, you're a homosexual and you don't know it. You're in love with your own brother. All this stuff you're talking about, hanging out with him, it's because you're gay. You want him to suck your fucking dick. It's disgusting and you make me sick. Just leave him alone. He's your brother! That's not someone you hang out with. That's not someone you talk to. That's your brother. That's someone that if he's older than you, he beats you up. If he's younger than you then you beat him up. For you to want to have a relationship wth your brother that involves going out and having fun together is wrong. That's not the way brothers act. That's not how they do each other. It makes me think that you're gay. If you're not gay, then I have to go back to my more traditional advice. KILL HIS WIFE.
If you have a problem that only the wisdom of Oderus Urungus can solve, send it to anarchy@anarchymusic.net with "Dear Oderus" in the subject line.
Gwar and Vains Of Jenna, along with Cradle Of Filth and CKY are currently on the Viva La Bands tour. For tour dates and info, check out VivaLaBands.com. For more info on Vains Of Jenna, go to VainsOfJenna.com and Vains Of Jenna's Myspace page. For more on Oderus, Balsac and the rest of Gwar, go to Gwar's Myspace page and Gwar.net.
In case you missed them, check out the previous installments of Dear Oderus